Week 4: Anger
Writing short snippets about family issues is a lot harder than I
thought. Family issues are so complex. And writing consistently,
weekly in this case, is real hard. A week goes by a lot quicker than I
think! Woah, and it's here again! :)
I'm sorry I missed last week!
I thought this week I'll write about anger.
During the FMS, I learnt a new phase - passive anger. I'm not sure if
you have heard about it before. I think I might have heard about it in
passing but it wasn't until FMS that I realized what it really was.
In How to Really Love Your Child, Ross Campbell, the author, describe
two different ways children display anger. One, aggressive and the
other, passive. Aggressive is easy to see - tantrums, throwing things,
shouting, saying mean things etc. Passive on the other hand is harder
to detect and sometimes do not surface until the teenage years.
This display of anger is usually a reaction to unjust anger shown
towards a child. Particularly from a parent or primary caregiver. I'm
not referring to terrible twos, throwing tantrums here. Unless parents
don't understand the stage of development and start abusing the child
with expectations beyond their age.
I'm talking about instances, for example, if a child, 4 years old,
spills milk accidentally and the parent pushes the child and shouts at
the child in a loud voice. This can be really frightening for a young
child."When children are yelled at, they are helpless, they cannot
think and are forced to shut down their ways of getting the anger out,
keeping their anger inside." Building Families For Life booklet. Some
kids fight back or take it out on their siblings. Anger is like
rubbish - it eventually needs to be disposed of. But learning to
maturely dispose of anger is a lifelong learning process. Even as an
adult, I still struggle in managing my anger and frustration.
However, the thing that struck me most is passive anger. When the
child doesn't react and seems like the most obedient child in the
world. Or if the child used to react and then doesn't anymore. It is
common in Asian cultures because we are not allowed to display any
fits of anger because it is terribly frowned upon. In fact, even
crying is a NO NO. And growing up, the cane was the fear factor. The
fear of the cane made us "obedient" but outwardly mostly. Passive
anger similar to inner rebellion, then begins to show up in other ways
like refusal to eat, nightmares, forgetfulness, slowness (taking own
time to do things), and the most common, lack of interest in school.
Because they have no control over other areas of their lives so they
will attempt to exercise their will in areas such as food (a lot of
eating disorders are a result of passive anger), school, time
management.
"When we hurt our children's feelings over and over again, the
children will "close us out", shut down to us, stop talking about
their life with us, and stop asking for help from us. Pulling away
from parental love for long periods of time is very harmful for a
child. It's a major cause for the misuse of drugs and alcohol, and a
main reason why children become sexually permissive" Buidling Families
For Life booklet
I used to work with youths before Sophie was born. So many times I see
this happening and parents wondering why their child at 13 is becoming
so rebellious. Actually, it didn't happen overnight. It was over 13
years. "Being angry at children does not make good behavior last for
long" Building Families For Life booklet
The relationship between parent and child is not much different from
any other relationship that requires nurturing and communication. It's
not enough to just look after their daily needs and make sure they are
"good" (whatever that means). It's important to respect them as God's
precious children and not mistreat them thinking that they are young
and just little rascals.
Recently, we learnt about what Jesus said "Do to others what you would
have them do to you. Luke 6:13". Sophie took the opportunity to use
that verse on me when I shouted at her. Sigh... what goes around comes
around. What makes me think that I have the freedom to shout at her
when I have told her not to? I am far from perfect but one thing I'm
learning is to say sorry. Besides teaching our children how to handle
anger and learning to manage my own, the way to keep our children's
heart open to us is to apologize. I can't say that enough.
In fact, just today, Sophie and I were coming home from Chinese class,
it was late (pitch dark), we missed a bus stop and I was so annoyed.
Coming down the bus, Sophie started to play with the snow and we were
late for dinner. So I got impatient with her and raised my voice and
she got upset. I'm gifted with a really intelligent and sensitive
child (it's really God's way of working on me :)) and she can tell
IMMEDIATELY when I'm upset. She said "Mummy, you were upset with the
bus driver and then you got upset with me and now I am upset."
Sigh.... spot on. Well, I heard her. Very tempting to get more upset
at my smarty pants kid. But nope I heard her heart and most times, she
says it very matter of factly and not rudely. So I said sorry
(somewhat sheepishly) and said let's not be upset anymore k? And she
was satisfied. And she cooperatively held my hand and did a good run
for the next bus.
Love motivates, fear doesn't.
This week I'm going to practice listening to my kids more and speaking
kindly to them.
It's my baby sister's birthday today. She turns...... 20 something. 
